Today is my dad’s birthday. He would have been 68 years old. In honor of him today, I’d like to remember 68 things about the most important and influential man in my life:
As Coach Bowen’s daughter I enjoyed the following:
1. ….working in the snack bar and getting free food
2. ….getting to go on all the away games and road trips
3. …getting to go to the national conventions in places such as Nashville and Chicago
4. …being surrounded by baseball players all the time
5. …having the players over for holidays when they lived too far away to go home-they were dad’s family, too
6. …walking around Warrior field like I owned the place
7. …playing under the bleachers and doing flips on the bars that supported them while getting hit w/ people’s sunflower seeds
8. …watching him being recognized for many different hall of fames, but most notably the ABCA’s Hall of Fame
9. …BEING COACH BOWEN’S DAUGHTER. ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS A PROUD MOMENT WHEN SOMEONE FIGURED OUT WHO I WAS!
10. …riding in the jitney
11. …getting to work out in the Stanislaus gym and even sneak into the locker room
12. …dad taking us to the CSU Stan pool to use, when no one else was there
13. …staring around his office while he was athletic director, completely in awe of his accomplishments
Off the field:
14. …going to Giants games
15. …meeting baseball greats who knew dad by first name
16. …spitting so many sunflower seeds my mouth became raw
17. …dad hooking me up w/ a job at the Modesto A’s one summer-a blast!
18. …dad coaching my softball team
19. …dad always bringing up the story of my “homerun to left field…it almost was out of the park…” he made it sound way better than what it was!
20. ….hanging out in dad’s study. I still love to sit in there and marvel at all of his balls, bats, awards, jerseys and true love of the game
21. …crazy answering machine message number 154-with an intro of dad singing “take me out to the ballgame”
22. …talent show at church w/ Rebecca and Sarah de la Motte when we were little girls-our routine? None other than singing “take me out to the ballgame” of course
My favorite moments of dad as a professor:
23. …being his TA for sports psychology
24. …the SOAP BOX (“the truth is spoken here”)
25. …hearing stories of him making his students sing in class
26. …helping him grade his papers-made me feel important though I always complained
27. …seeing him dress up in the clown suit to go to class every Halloween, complete w/ candy for his students. What professor does that? My dad.
28. …spotting him riding down Monte Vista to CSU Stanislaus on his bike, his trusty Schwinn..until it got stolen on campus
29. …his intense passion for education and being a lifelong learner
Dad as our DAD:
30. …crouching at the sliding door watching him use his sling shot to shoot rocks at the fence to get the stray cats out of our backyard
31. …dad and Kim tea parties in the playhouse
32. …”helping” him build and make projects
33. …his wooden santa claus’ and sleighs that he sold out of our garage and on the corner with Kortne
34. …his baseball Christmas scene and his homemade “Jesus is the Reason” sign
35. …his faith in God
36. …his stubborn personality and hard headedness that most often clashed w/ me because we were so much alike
37. …his OCD for cleanliness
38. …watching AssyriaVision and dad “talking” back to the TV
39. …watching the Stanislaus County Fair on TV just to see if he spotted anyone he knew
40. …his annoying and drawn out yawns
41. …dad’s dedication to his kids and grandkids. He never missed a sporting event or activity, whether we wanted him to or not
42. …him singing along to me playing the piano. He always made me feel like I was much better than I really was
43. …always standing up for what was right and what he believed in, regardless of who liked it
44. …his desire for his kids to go far in life. I can’t say we were pushed, but the importance of going to college, etc, was just engrained in us
45. …insisting we go to Baker’s Square for my college graduation meal. Really???
46. …watching him make his cinnamon rolls on Christmas eve and then eating 10 of them on Christmas morning
47. …he and mom reading nightly devotionals together
My favorite memories:
48. …staying with him (just me and him) at Stanford hospital after one of his intense rounds of chemo
49. …surprising me by walking me down the aisle at my wedding even though he didn’t even have the strength to attend the rehearsal the night before
50. …our daddy daughter dance, with the song that he so carefully chose “Find Your Wings”
51. …family dinners-we always sat down together as a family to eat, regardless of how busy he was
52. …dad interrupting my phone calls in high school to sing whatever song was in his head (though I didn’t appreciate it at the time)
53. …family trips to Pinecrest each year
54. …he and mom taking me to at least one college a month my junior year so I had a good feel for the campuses before I applied
55. …his love of Cool Hand Luke’s Steak and Bake special, and how happy he’d get going there for a meal
56. …putting up the Manzanita tree for Christmas, even though it was really weird looking, it was our own tradition
57. …dad as “game director” always setting up kickball and baseball games for us in the front yard, and the volleyball net in the pool
58. …dad as “game director” on our annual Pinecrest trips-watching him hula hoop was the best
59. …Mick’s and my surprise 40th/30th bday party
60. …getting in the wrong boat at Pinecrest on our very last trip
61. …watching him enjoy his little cheap bottles of wine
62. …wrapping Christmas presents with him using the oddest things we could find to cover the gift
63. …Christmas at Stanford Hospital-the first Christmas where gifts were truly not important and the realization that he was our ultimate gift
64. …taking time off work before he passed away to help mom take care of him. Best and worst memory all wrapped into one. I was able to take care of him like he had taken care of me for so many years
65. …dad giving me a tool kit of my very own for Christmas, complete with safety goggles. Still put them on whenever I whip out my tool kit, even if it’s just to hammer a nail into the wall…just cause…
66. …teaching me how to drive in the parking lot of…none other than Stanislaus…in the ’86 oldsmobile cutlass cierra
67. …mom and dad giving me my first car, an ’89 honda accord stick shift my sophomore year of college. I learned how to drive stick with dad in the passenger seat, heading back to school. It was sink or swim, and you didn’t sink w/ dad so I swam after a few minor mishaps
68. …dad giving me “a little on the triangle” (aka a neck massage) when I had a migraine and me doing the same for him when he was in his final days
I know how lucky I am to have the parents that I have. I can truly say I am and have always been proud to call myself a Bowen, and Coach Bowen’s kid at that. For the last year, I have struggled to find my identity without him. I have finally come to a place where I am no longer lost and am realizing who I am as an individual….but his traits are abundant in me and I am thankful for that. I often give my mom a hard time saying that I got both of their worst traits (my mom’s migraines, my dad’s nose, etc) but I couldn’t be a luckier girl to have them both as the main examples in my life. I love you mom and dad. Dad, the days get easier but not one day goes by where I don’t think of you or miss you deeply. I love you! Happy birthday!!!!
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Day of Thanks
The last few days I have shifted my thinking from wishing Thanksgiving would go away because of things that I am angry and sad about to thanking God for all that I have to be thankful for. It feels really good to have this change occur-not only am I smiling and laughing a whole lot more, but my migraines have decreased (just in this few days) and I feel like I am ready to be a friend to others again. For the longest time, my friends have put out the effort but I haven’t had anything to give in return. Now I’m turning the corner and feel so good about it-because I know how blessed I am to have them in my life and just want to be the friend to others that they have been to me.
So..in Thanksgiving’s honor, I’m reminding myself of the small things in life that often get overlooked, but that make me happy:
-Lola and Sophie: without Lola, I would have gone insane living by myself already. I can talk her ear(s) off and she doesn’t even talk back. Sophie (my admitted favorite) has brought my mom so much joy. Dogs are the best!
-Fresh N Easy Market: wow! This place is the greatest. I went with my neighbor the other night and she described it as an IKEA for food. It made me giddy and my groceries were/are cheap and delicious!
-Hillcrest: such a diverse and happy population. Never a dull moment, and never a time that I go somewhere without someone going out of their way to talk to me…and have I mentioned THE FOOD??
-Mom’s AeroBed: so after sleeping on my love seat for a few weeks and the floor for a few more, I brought mom’s air mattress down. It has a hole in it somewhere, so I have to pump it up a few times throughout the night, but it’s totally worth it to not have to sleep on the floor.
-Letting go of being a total chicken: I love that I chased off a would-be thief the other night with a few curse words and a kitchen broom. Maybe not the smartest, but it sure felt good. For any of my past roommates, they know that I have come a long way from the girl that would hide out with the kitchen knife on the floor when I heard something outside.
-Living on my own: even though it’s only been a month and a half, I have had a lot of time, all by myself, to re-discover myself. I lost sight of myself somewhere along the way and immersed myself in others and my identity was related not to who I was, but who I was associated with, etc. It’s been uncomfortable and boring at many times, but I have always found something to do and met great new people while doing it (and also connected with old friends).
-Church: I went last Sunday with Trishell and Ian and although it wasn’t New Life, it was sure good to be “back.” Worshipping gives me hope for the week and the message gives me plenty to think about.
-Not having much of anything: I still haven’t found a job yet so can’t really afford anything but the necessities, with an occasional cupcake. One of my favorite things of the season are cinnamon scented pine cones, which I plopped in my cart the other night at Fresh N Easy after taking a long whiff of the bag. When I got to the register, I realized it was a “want” rather than a “need” and put it back. Sure would have made my place smell nice but oh well. I don’t have cable; I bought a TV over a month ago and it’s still sitting in its box. Even when it comes out, I will just use my computer and plug to watch HULU, etc.
This is such a different lifestyle. I had the house of my dreams in Turlock, the car, the truck, CABLE, a huge backyard, a GARAGE, and so much more but I feel like it’s been a good life lesson for me to get back to where I am now… without much of anything, and finding my happiness out of experiences and relationships rather than all of my material possessions.
Stopping to think about the small things in life that make me happy realize how big the big things are (family, great friendships, etc). Helps put that extra skip in my step...Happy Thanksgiving to all!
So..in Thanksgiving’s honor, I’m reminding myself of the small things in life that often get overlooked, but that make me happy:
-Lola and Sophie: without Lola, I would have gone insane living by myself already. I can talk her ear(s) off and she doesn’t even talk back. Sophie (my admitted favorite) has brought my mom so much joy. Dogs are the best!
-Fresh N Easy Market: wow! This place is the greatest. I went with my neighbor the other night and she described it as an IKEA for food. It made me giddy and my groceries were/are cheap and delicious!
-Hillcrest: such a diverse and happy population. Never a dull moment, and never a time that I go somewhere without someone going out of their way to talk to me…and have I mentioned THE FOOD??
-Mom’s AeroBed: so after sleeping on my love seat for a few weeks and the floor for a few more, I brought mom’s air mattress down. It has a hole in it somewhere, so I have to pump it up a few times throughout the night, but it’s totally worth it to not have to sleep on the floor.
-Letting go of being a total chicken: I love that I chased off a would-be thief the other night with a few curse words and a kitchen broom. Maybe not the smartest, but it sure felt good. For any of my past roommates, they know that I have come a long way from the girl that would hide out with the kitchen knife on the floor when I heard something outside.
-Living on my own: even though it’s only been a month and a half, I have had a lot of time, all by myself, to re-discover myself. I lost sight of myself somewhere along the way and immersed myself in others and my identity was related not to who I was, but who I was associated with, etc. It’s been uncomfortable and boring at many times, but I have always found something to do and met great new people while doing it (and also connected with old friends).
-Church: I went last Sunday with Trishell and Ian and although it wasn’t New Life, it was sure good to be “back.” Worshipping gives me hope for the week and the message gives me plenty to think about.
-Not having much of anything: I still haven’t found a job yet so can’t really afford anything but the necessities, with an occasional cupcake. One of my favorite things of the season are cinnamon scented pine cones, which I plopped in my cart the other night at Fresh N Easy after taking a long whiff of the bag. When I got to the register, I realized it was a “want” rather than a “need” and put it back. Sure would have made my place smell nice but oh well. I don’t have cable; I bought a TV over a month ago and it’s still sitting in its box. Even when it comes out, I will just use my computer and plug to watch HULU, etc.
This is such a different lifestyle. I had the house of my dreams in Turlock, the car, the truck, CABLE, a huge backyard, a GARAGE, and so much more but I feel like it’s been a good life lesson for me to get back to where I am now… without much of anything, and finding my happiness out of experiences and relationships rather than all of my material possessions.
Stopping to think about the small things in life that make me happy realize how big the big things are (family, great friendships, etc). Helps put that extra skip in my step...Happy Thanksgiving to all!
Friday, November 12, 2010
thank you...
...for all of the encouraging emails. though many of you don't leave comments on here, you send me emails and they have made me feel like i'm helping someone else by sharing my feelings. with the holidays approaching, buried painful memories of my dad's last few weeks are flooding my mind. i wish the holidays would just go away, come back next year, and see how we are doing then.but they aren't going anywhere and we have to deal. i will always say that i wouldn't trade the 3 weeks i took off work before my dad's death for anything-unfortunately i spent more time with him then than i had combined in the last few years, but the memories of my strong dad detioriating before my eyes (mind and body) are painful.
i fully realize that i did not work through anything during my time in south america. it hit home just recently and i've just got to take it as it comes.
Luckily, I have the best friends (and a fiesty basset hound) a gal could ask for to stand by me every step of the way.
Anyway, thanks again!!! I really appreciate your comments on here or thru facebook messages. It's been really nice to reconnect with old friends in the process!
i fully realize that i did not work through anything during my time in south america. it hit home just recently and i've just got to take it as it comes.
Luckily, I have the best friends (and a fiesty basset hound) a gal could ask for to stand by me every step of the way.
Anyway, thanks again!!! I really appreciate your comments on here or thru facebook messages. It's been really nice to reconnect with old friends in the process!
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Frustrated and confused, but hopeful!
It's now been over a month that I have lived in San Diego and as BEAUTIFUL and WONDERFUL as this city is, it's not been easy for me. I think I have said this before, but I have always lived with someone else, whether it be family, a roommate, a boyfriend, or a husband...so being a people person, it's been a really hard adjustment. I know it's a good one, seeing as though I am 31 and have never lived alone before. Kind of sad and embarassing, but at least I am doing it now I guess. Traveling was a lot less lonely, because most everyone, with the exception of a few couples, were on their own and ultimately had their own agenda. We still lived together, in the Casa Sucre house (how I miss that place!), or in hostels, but ultimately we all had different paths. It was nice to interact with people for a night or a few months and meet new people all the time. This has been harder for me- I'm bored. Once I actually get a job (hopefully very soon) I think things will look up in regards to my mood. I was able to go home for over a week and it was so nice to spend time with my mom and see Sophia (my doggie that my mom has "adopted"). She is so spoiled and what was once a timid, previously abused pitbull surrounded by other dogs-Kyle and I never had just her-is now the queen of the house and much more confident. It's awesome. She's been really good for my mom, and of course my mom has been more than great to her. Sophie was always my favorite because she is the sweetest thing in the whole world, but no one would take her in San Diego because of her breed. Funny and ironic, because Lola the basset, was readily accepted by rental companies yet she's a pain in the putska.
I have done a lot of reading, thinking, and catching up on celebrity gossip in my free time....which is most of my time right now. Completely different from my life a year ago. It's so weird. I know that I am learning things about myself that I should have learned 10 years ago but I can't help but wonder if I really went off the deep end when my dad died. I completely ditched my "old life" and started the journey that has brought me here, after months of travel. I am a firm believer in the old saying that "everything happens for a reason" so I am going to trust that I didn't make a mistake in making all of those changes (career, marital status, traveling, moving 7 hours away, priorities).
I'd really like to travel again after my lease is up here but not sure I know how to make that happen. South Africa, India, Colombia, and Switzerland are on my list. I have friends in Colombia and Switzerland and would love to volunteer in South Africa and India. Why can't people make a career out of volunteering? I'd hop on it. We'll see what happens but my experience in Bolivia affected (or is it effected??) me so deeply I have a burning desire to do more volunteer work in impoverished countries.
Tomorrow will be 11 months since my dad passed away. I think about him all the time but have been processing my grief "process" (if that makes sense) recently. As much as I denied that I was running away when I went to S. America, I was. I had great intentions for going, but did not have to fully stare my grief in the eyes until I got back. It hit me like a ton of bricks on our cross country road trip and culminated in visiting his grave. I am COMPLETELY dreading the holiday season. I have no desire to celebrate. I know my brother and sister do, though, because they have kids and therefore I will be there with a smile on my face. Not only is this our first year without my dad, but Thanksgiving has been rough for our family for the past 3 years. We found out 3 years ago, on Thanksgiving, that he would be going to Stanford's hospital the following day because he had leukemia. The next year was good, but last year, my mom rushed him to the emergency room in the early hours of Thanksgiving morning (which was the beginning of the end). Christmas is more of the same-3 years ago we "celebrated" at Stanford in dad's hospital room, the year after was actually my most favorite Christmas ever, and the last one we had as a complete family, celebrating at Kyle's and my house, and last year he was gone. He passed away December 10th and we chose to fly on Christmas Day to Iowa for his burial of ashes because none of us wanted anything to do with the holiday.
I've always considered myself such a strong person and it bothers me that his death has clearly affected (effected??) me so much. Why can't I pick up the pieces and move on. I guess I am, in my own way. His passing has completely changed our family dynamics and each of us are dealing with the pain the best we know how-but we all do it in completely different ways. We have more animosity towards each other than we have ever had before when you'd think we'd be closer than ever. I miss my family "the way it was."
What comes along with getting older sucks. But....I am very blessed and am (very) slowly starting to adjust to life on my own. San Diego, specifically Hillcrest, is AMAZING. I love it here. I can even bring Lola into 7-11 and they will give her a hotdog. I can walk everywhere. The people are friendly. The gay guys are so cute (unfortunately they don't swing my way). I have good friends down here, I just don't see them as much as I'd selfishly like. Cross your fingers I get a job, soon, to occupy my time and allow me to pay my bills!
I have done a lot of reading, thinking, and catching up on celebrity gossip in my free time....which is most of my time right now. Completely different from my life a year ago. It's so weird. I know that I am learning things about myself that I should have learned 10 years ago but I can't help but wonder if I really went off the deep end when my dad died. I completely ditched my "old life" and started the journey that has brought me here, after months of travel. I am a firm believer in the old saying that "everything happens for a reason" so I am going to trust that I didn't make a mistake in making all of those changes (career, marital status, traveling, moving 7 hours away, priorities).
I'd really like to travel again after my lease is up here but not sure I know how to make that happen. South Africa, India, Colombia, and Switzerland are on my list. I have friends in Colombia and Switzerland and would love to volunteer in South Africa and India. Why can't people make a career out of volunteering? I'd hop on it. We'll see what happens but my experience in Bolivia affected (or is it effected??) me so deeply I have a burning desire to do more volunteer work in impoverished countries.
Tomorrow will be 11 months since my dad passed away. I think about him all the time but have been processing my grief "process" (if that makes sense) recently. As much as I denied that I was running away when I went to S. America, I was. I had great intentions for going, but did not have to fully stare my grief in the eyes until I got back. It hit me like a ton of bricks on our cross country road trip and culminated in visiting his grave. I am COMPLETELY dreading the holiday season. I have no desire to celebrate. I know my brother and sister do, though, because they have kids and therefore I will be there with a smile on my face. Not only is this our first year without my dad, but Thanksgiving has been rough for our family for the past 3 years. We found out 3 years ago, on Thanksgiving, that he would be going to Stanford's hospital the following day because he had leukemia. The next year was good, but last year, my mom rushed him to the emergency room in the early hours of Thanksgiving morning (which was the beginning of the end). Christmas is more of the same-3 years ago we "celebrated" at Stanford in dad's hospital room, the year after was actually my most favorite Christmas ever, and the last one we had as a complete family, celebrating at Kyle's and my house, and last year he was gone. He passed away December 10th and we chose to fly on Christmas Day to Iowa for his burial of ashes because none of us wanted anything to do with the holiday.
I've always considered myself such a strong person and it bothers me that his death has clearly affected (effected??) me so much. Why can't I pick up the pieces and move on. I guess I am, in my own way. His passing has completely changed our family dynamics and each of us are dealing with the pain the best we know how-but we all do it in completely different ways. We have more animosity towards each other than we have ever had before when you'd think we'd be closer than ever. I miss my family "the way it was."
What comes along with getting older sucks. But....I am very blessed and am (very) slowly starting to adjust to life on my own. San Diego, specifically Hillcrest, is AMAZING. I love it here. I can even bring Lola into 7-11 and they will give her a hotdog. I can walk everywhere. The people are friendly. The gay guys are so cute (unfortunately they don't swing my way). I have good friends down here, I just don't see them as much as I'd selfishly like. Cross your fingers I get a job, soon, to occupy my time and allow me to pay my bills!
Monday, October 11, 2010
back to reality..sort of!
I am not quite sure how to pick back up w/ this thing since I have neglected my poor lil blog for the last few months. It's also 2am and I can't think straight, but I have been meaning to get on here for awhile and update, if for no one else ,than myself. It's kind of a nice release.
I don't know where I left off in my blogging, but the rest of my time in South America was amazing. I was able to travel through most of Bolivia and then into Peru. I climbed Macchu Pichu (sp?) and we hiked up at 3:30am so we could be in the first 400 people to score a ticket to Huaynu Pichu. Huaynu is the large mountain that overlooks the entire village of Macchu. It was a pretty strenuous hike (for me at least) and definitely not for those scared of heights!
I got all of my important stuff stolen in Cusco due to my own stupidity-I got too comfortable. My social security card, license, credit card, atm card and passport were all taken. Luckily, I was able to get to the embassy in Lima and just pick up my connection, which flew out of Lima anyway.
Once home, I left pretty quickly with a friend on a roadtrip to visit dad's grave in Iowa. I felt that I needed to do this before starting my life again. We went through 14 states, I think...and it was truly awesome. We camped at almost every place we stopped. I slept on floors, in the tent, at a rest stop and when it was a really luxurious night, a cheap motel. The trip was way more emotional for me than I had expected. We went and listened to the Mormon Tabernacle Choir practice while passing through Utah (after Zion) and I broke down in tears. It was frustrating and embarrassing to break down, but I think it was part of the whole process. I knew dad would have LOVED sitting there listening to such beautiful Christian music. I knew he'd of appreciated it even more than I did and that's all I could think of...that happened a lot on my trip. At Mt. Rushmore, I felt the same way. We went to an evening lighting ceremony that was extremely patriotic. My dad was Mr. USA-and-proud-of-it and I got that same familiar feeling back of thinking that he should have experienced what I did before he passed away. It was almost a feeling of guilt, which seems to be pretty common in the grieving process.
Once in Iowa, I got to see my dad's side of the family and had a really great breakfast w/ his brother, my Uncle Larry. A retired school counselor, he asked me just the right questions to get me thinking. What did I want out of my life? What were my goals? I honestly didn't know anymore. My marriage had fallen apart so I was no longer a wife, I left my job so I was no longer defined by my occupation, and my dad is gone and my identity is no longer "Coach's kid." I didn't know who I was anymore, and that was a scary realization. I was used to succeeding at everything and it felt as though I had failed--and dad wasn't here to solve my problems. That same day, I visited his grave. I took my journal, bought one red rose (for my mom) and 3 yellow flowers (for us kids)and being a Bowen (stubborn beyond belief) I wandered around looking for his plot. When we were there in December I was 1. out of it and 2. the whole place was covered in snow but I was already crying and didn't want to ask for help. The time I spent there was pacifying and necessary for me. I jotted down all my feelings and just had a "heart-to-heart" with my dad. I didn't realize it, but I had been in a fog for 9 months. Seeing his plot made it real-dad's no longer here on earth. I thought I already processed that, but I hadn't. Once I left the cemetary, I was able to visit my dad's mom, Grandma Bowen, who is 96 w/ Alzheimer's. She doesn't know me at all anymore, but it felt good to see her and give her a hug on my way out of town.
Our road trip continued as we made our way to Chicago, then up and back West through some very beautiful places. The sense of guilt I felt before was lifted, and instead I was quick to start making a list of short and long-term goals. After all, my dad would be the first to ask me where my life was going at this juncture. It was a great trip and I was lucky enough to have a road tripping buddy that was very receptive to talking about my dad and how I was feeling. I really appreciate that.
Once I got back, I couldn't delay "real life" any longer. I packed up the things Kyle and I agreed on and moved to San Diego. I must say, San Diego is a great place to start over. At 31 years old, I am living on my own for the first time in my life..something I should have done a long time ago but I have always been pretty needy of interaction. I've been here 2 weeks and it's been pretty hard at times to be alone, but so good for me. I can't play the helpless card-I have to do it myself. I have really put myself out there meeting new people and have already made some friends. Lola, my basset hound, and I go for at least one long walk a day and we always meet people and their doggies. This week, the dreaded job search begins.
Not everyone may agree with my choice to move down here or be gone for so long. I realize that people think I was running away, and maybe I was-but it's all been part of a journey that I needed to take to figure out who I am as a person-not who I am in regards to my career, who I am related to, or what I have achieved. I've been so fortunate to have these months of soul searching. Today is 10 months since dad has passed away. I hate that more and more time passes. I don't know how to explain it. I don't want to forget a thing and I want him to be here...but if he can't, then I want it to be "just yesterday." So, not totally where I need to be yet but am well on my way.
Thank you all for loving me for me. I realize more than ever how flawed I am and it feels good to know you accept me for who I am, flaws and all.
To a new chapter in life!
Kim
p.s. I am currently sleeping on a loveseat that I have to fight Lola for every night, but once I get a bed, I would LOVE guests! The area I live in is so great!
I don't know where I left off in my blogging, but the rest of my time in South America was amazing. I was able to travel through most of Bolivia and then into Peru. I climbed Macchu Pichu (sp?) and we hiked up at 3:30am so we could be in the first 400 people to score a ticket to Huaynu Pichu. Huaynu is the large mountain that overlooks the entire village of Macchu. It was a pretty strenuous hike (for me at least) and definitely not for those scared of heights!
I got all of my important stuff stolen in Cusco due to my own stupidity-I got too comfortable. My social security card, license, credit card, atm card and passport were all taken. Luckily, I was able to get to the embassy in Lima and just pick up my connection, which flew out of Lima anyway.
Once home, I left pretty quickly with a friend on a roadtrip to visit dad's grave in Iowa. I felt that I needed to do this before starting my life again. We went through 14 states, I think...and it was truly awesome. We camped at almost every place we stopped. I slept on floors, in the tent, at a rest stop and when it was a really luxurious night, a cheap motel. The trip was way more emotional for me than I had expected. We went and listened to the Mormon Tabernacle Choir practice while passing through Utah (after Zion) and I broke down in tears. It was frustrating and embarrassing to break down, but I think it was part of the whole process. I knew dad would have LOVED sitting there listening to such beautiful Christian music. I knew he'd of appreciated it even more than I did and that's all I could think of...that happened a lot on my trip. At Mt. Rushmore, I felt the same way. We went to an evening lighting ceremony that was extremely patriotic. My dad was Mr. USA-and-proud-of-it and I got that same familiar feeling back of thinking that he should have experienced what I did before he passed away. It was almost a feeling of guilt, which seems to be pretty common in the grieving process.
Once in Iowa, I got to see my dad's side of the family and had a really great breakfast w/ his brother, my Uncle Larry. A retired school counselor, he asked me just the right questions to get me thinking. What did I want out of my life? What were my goals? I honestly didn't know anymore. My marriage had fallen apart so I was no longer a wife, I left my job so I was no longer defined by my occupation, and my dad is gone and my identity is no longer "Coach's kid." I didn't know who I was anymore, and that was a scary realization. I was used to succeeding at everything and it felt as though I had failed--and dad wasn't here to solve my problems. That same day, I visited his grave. I took my journal, bought one red rose (for my mom) and 3 yellow flowers (for us kids)and being a Bowen (stubborn beyond belief) I wandered around looking for his plot. When we were there in December I was 1. out of it and 2. the whole place was covered in snow but I was already crying and didn't want to ask for help. The time I spent there was pacifying and necessary for me. I jotted down all my feelings and just had a "heart-to-heart" with my dad. I didn't realize it, but I had been in a fog for 9 months. Seeing his plot made it real-dad's no longer here on earth. I thought I already processed that, but I hadn't. Once I left the cemetary, I was able to visit my dad's mom, Grandma Bowen, who is 96 w/ Alzheimer's. She doesn't know me at all anymore, but it felt good to see her and give her a hug on my way out of town.
Our road trip continued as we made our way to Chicago, then up and back West through some very beautiful places. The sense of guilt I felt before was lifted, and instead I was quick to start making a list of short and long-term goals. After all, my dad would be the first to ask me where my life was going at this juncture. It was a great trip and I was lucky enough to have a road tripping buddy that was very receptive to talking about my dad and how I was feeling. I really appreciate that.
Once I got back, I couldn't delay "real life" any longer. I packed up the things Kyle and I agreed on and moved to San Diego. I must say, San Diego is a great place to start over. At 31 years old, I am living on my own for the first time in my life..something I should have done a long time ago but I have always been pretty needy of interaction. I've been here 2 weeks and it's been pretty hard at times to be alone, but so good for me. I can't play the helpless card-I have to do it myself. I have really put myself out there meeting new people and have already made some friends. Lola, my basset hound, and I go for at least one long walk a day and we always meet people and their doggies. This week, the dreaded job search begins.
Not everyone may agree with my choice to move down here or be gone for so long. I realize that people think I was running away, and maybe I was-but it's all been part of a journey that I needed to take to figure out who I am as a person-not who I am in regards to my career, who I am related to, or what I have achieved. I've been so fortunate to have these months of soul searching. Today is 10 months since dad has passed away. I hate that more and more time passes. I don't know how to explain it. I don't want to forget a thing and I want him to be here...but if he can't, then I want it to be "just yesterday." So, not totally where I need to be yet but am well on my way.
Thank you all for loving me for me. I realize more than ever how flawed I am and it feels good to know you accept me for who I am, flaws and all.
To a new chapter in life!
Kim
p.s. I am currently sleeping on a loveseat that I have to fight Lola for every night, but once I get a bed, I would LOVE guests! The area I live in is so great!
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
what a week...what a week!
This past week I have realized how much Bolivia has to offer. My trip was fantastic! I left with a couple girls from Sustainable Bolivia Tuesday morning. Here's the breakdown of the trip:
Tuesday: bus to Oruro from Cochabamba. Soft porn was played for the movie...no one seemed to bat an eye at it, nor cover their children's eyes. Interesting. People stood in the aisle. I sat next to my co-worker on one side, and a girl with her kitten on the other (in the aisle). Never the less, an experience. Once in Oruro, we got lunch. I had pasta and it was the best meal I have had in Bolivia thus far. The waiter was a little old man with a bow tie on. We then took the train from Oruro to Tupiza, approximately 10 hours I think..can't remember. It was overnight-we were in the lower class seats which were just fine. Cost was 92 bolivianos, which equals about 13 dollars. Some of the windows in the train wouldn't go up, and therefore dust was a big issue driving thru the altiplano. We all had our faces covered with scarfs or something. Those who had obviously ridden the train before wore medical masks. Saw 2012 (the movie) and beautiful scenery (including flamencos!!!) Arrived in Tupiza at 4am and walked straight to our hostel-it was FREEZING.
Wednesday: slept in, was able to spend a relaxing day in Tupiza. It's red rock reminds me of Sedona. Much smaller, more quiet and laid back than Cocha. Ate at a great pizzeria and watched the world cup finals with all the other gringos. Walked around the town, found the plaza (does every town in S. America have a plaza or just Bolivia?) and of course, found an ice cream shop. Tupiza is said to be where Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid met their fatal match.
Thursday: 9am Tupiza Tours jeep came to pick us up at our hostel, Hotel Mitru Annex (great place, super nice old man that runs it). Our tour guide, Julio "Tupiza" and our cook for the trip, Margerite, packed us in and we were on our way. Rode through mountains and hills, ranging from red rock formations to grey and green peaks and valleys. View was spectacular! Took a ton of pictures of llamas, and ate llama sandwiches for lunch. Spent the night in a small pueblo, San Antonia de Lipez, 4260 meters above sea level. We played soccer with a local little girl, the only child I saw in the village. Most amazing, starry sky I have ever seen anywhere in my lifetime. Freezing night (but it was about to get colder)...
Friday: woke up at 4 or 5am and visited an abandoned city (San Antonio). Used to be inhabited by the Spaniards in the 1400's. Saw lots of lagunas (colored red, green, and blue. Shed our winter clothes and hopped in natural hot springs-boy did that feel great! Took pictures of the beautiful scenery with an inactive volcano in the background. Saw lots and lots of flamencos, llamas, burros, vicunas, alpacas, zorros (fox). Stayed in a hostel at 5000 meters, 15,000 feet (how high it was when I went skydiving). Didn't realize what a terrible night this was going to be for me. Decided to crack open my bottle of vino blanco to keep warm (it was like 10 degrees) while playing a French card game our travel buddies taught us. Went to bed, with 7 others in the room. Awoke and was terribly ill. Spent most of the night in the bathroom, though one time I didn't make it and threw up in my snack bag on the side of my bed...all snacks were ruined!
Saturday: sick as a dog. Cook made me a special tea that contained parsley and lemon to help with my stomach, along with some anecdote I rubbed onto my stomach. While traveling to our various sites, had to stop along the side of the road in the midst of bushes and cacti to go to the bathroom. Yet again, a new experience. Went to these awesome natural rock formations, including the famous "arbol de piedra." Saw more lagunas and a small salar. Took some photos of an active volcano that separates Chili and Bolivia. By the time we arrived at the salt hostel, I was finally feeling better. Stayed in a hostel completely made of salt, including our beds, the walls, the tables and chairs (just not the toilets!). It was bright, colorful and lively and filled with others touring the Salar as well. Played more of the French card game after dinner and tea, and went to bed.
Sunday: woke up early and entered the famous Salar de Uyuni for the sunrise. Beautiful! Visited Isla Pescado (shaped like a fish); covered in cacti and natural stairs with breathtaking views. From there, we went deep into the Salar and took all the goofy pictures our little hearts desired! Stopped off at the original salt hotel, which is now a museum, that was closed because it was Sunday. They had flags outside from all over the world. Guess which flag was missing? Lastly, we stopped in Colchani, ate lunch, visited a salt museum and got souveniers. Ended in Uyuni, a really unattractive town. However, we arrived just in time for the World Cup so yet again made our way into another gringo establishment with everyone and their mom who just got off the tour. Took the 5pm bus from Uyuni to Oruro-the most rickety old bus I have ever seen. Said a little prayer we'd arrive safely...there was a drunken man pouring himself shots and loud Cholita women yelling at the driver....arrived in Oruro at 1am-we thought we were going to have to wait outside for 4 hours in the icy cold for another bus, but as we got off one bus, we saw a bus that said "Cochabamba" pulling away. We ran up to the bus, flagged it down, and snagged the last seats in the very back, where a man proceeded to throw up next to me, and the guy on the other side of me was covered in blood. I held onto my belongings very tightly! Got to Cocha at 4am, took a cab and was safe and sound in bed by 4:30.
Awesome adventure! Back to the kiddos today-it was great to see them as I was sick for a full week. Got 3 care packages today from friends and family-THANK YOU DIANE, MOM, AND SCOTT & JILL! Can't wait to deliver the "goods" to the kiddos.
I love Bolivia more and more each day!
Tuesday: bus to Oruro from Cochabamba. Soft porn was played for the movie...no one seemed to bat an eye at it, nor cover their children's eyes. Interesting. People stood in the aisle. I sat next to my co-worker on one side, and a girl with her kitten on the other (in the aisle). Never the less, an experience. Once in Oruro, we got lunch. I had pasta and it was the best meal I have had in Bolivia thus far. The waiter was a little old man with a bow tie on. We then took the train from Oruro to Tupiza, approximately 10 hours I think..can't remember. It was overnight-we were in the lower class seats which were just fine. Cost was 92 bolivianos, which equals about 13 dollars. Some of the windows in the train wouldn't go up, and therefore dust was a big issue driving thru the altiplano. We all had our faces covered with scarfs or something. Those who had obviously ridden the train before wore medical masks. Saw 2012 (the movie) and beautiful scenery (including flamencos!!!) Arrived in Tupiza at 4am and walked straight to our hostel-it was FREEZING.
Wednesday: slept in, was able to spend a relaxing day in Tupiza. It's red rock reminds me of Sedona. Much smaller, more quiet and laid back than Cocha. Ate at a great pizzeria and watched the world cup finals with all the other gringos. Walked around the town, found the plaza (does every town in S. America have a plaza or just Bolivia?) and of course, found an ice cream shop. Tupiza is said to be where Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid met their fatal match.
Thursday: 9am Tupiza Tours jeep came to pick us up at our hostel, Hotel Mitru Annex (great place, super nice old man that runs it). Our tour guide, Julio "Tupiza" and our cook for the trip, Margerite, packed us in and we were on our way. Rode through mountains and hills, ranging from red rock formations to grey and green peaks and valleys. View was spectacular! Took a ton of pictures of llamas, and ate llama sandwiches for lunch. Spent the night in a small pueblo, San Antonia de Lipez, 4260 meters above sea level. We played soccer with a local little girl, the only child I saw in the village. Most amazing, starry sky I have ever seen anywhere in my lifetime. Freezing night (but it was about to get colder)...
Friday: woke up at 4 or 5am and visited an abandoned city (San Antonio). Used to be inhabited by the Spaniards in the 1400's. Saw lots of lagunas (colored red, green, and blue. Shed our winter clothes and hopped in natural hot springs-boy did that feel great! Took pictures of the beautiful scenery with an inactive volcano in the background. Saw lots and lots of flamencos, llamas, burros, vicunas, alpacas, zorros (fox). Stayed in a hostel at 5000 meters, 15,000 feet (how high it was when I went skydiving). Didn't realize what a terrible night this was going to be for me. Decided to crack open my bottle of vino blanco to keep warm (it was like 10 degrees) while playing a French card game our travel buddies taught us. Went to bed, with 7 others in the room. Awoke and was terribly ill. Spent most of the night in the bathroom, though one time I didn't make it and threw up in my snack bag on the side of my bed...all snacks were ruined!
Saturday: sick as a dog. Cook made me a special tea that contained parsley and lemon to help with my stomach, along with some anecdote I rubbed onto my stomach. While traveling to our various sites, had to stop along the side of the road in the midst of bushes and cacti to go to the bathroom. Yet again, a new experience. Went to these awesome natural rock formations, including the famous "arbol de piedra." Saw more lagunas and a small salar. Took some photos of an active volcano that separates Chili and Bolivia. By the time we arrived at the salt hostel, I was finally feeling better. Stayed in a hostel completely made of salt, including our beds, the walls, the tables and chairs (just not the toilets!). It was bright, colorful and lively and filled with others touring the Salar as well. Played more of the French card game after dinner and tea, and went to bed.
Sunday: woke up early and entered the famous Salar de Uyuni for the sunrise. Beautiful! Visited Isla Pescado (shaped like a fish); covered in cacti and natural stairs with breathtaking views. From there, we went deep into the Salar and took all the goofy pictures our little hearts desired! Stopped off at the original salt hotel, which is now a museum, that was closed because it was Sunday. They had flags outside from all over the world. Guess which flag was missing? Lastly, we stopped in Colchani, ate lunch, visited a salt museum and got souveniers. Ended in Uyuni, a really unattractive town. However, we arrived just in time for the World Cup so yet again made our way into another gringo establishment with everyone and their mom who just got off the tour. Took the 5pm bus from Uyuni to Oruro-the most rickety old bus I have ever seen. Said a little prayer we'd arrive safely...there was a drunken man pouring himself shots and loud Cholita women yelling at the driver....arrived in Oruro at 1am-we thought we were going to have to wait outside for 4 hours in the icy cold for another bus, but as we got off one bus, we saw a bus that said "Cochabamba" pulling away. We ran up to the bus, flagged it down, and snagged the last seats in the very back, where a man proceeded to throw up next to me, and the guy on the other side of me was covered in blood. I held onto my belongings very tightly! Got to Cocha at 4am, took a cab and was safe and sound in bed by 4:30.
Awesome adventure! Back to the kiddos today-it was great to see them as I was sick for a full week. Got 3 care packages today from friends and family-THANK YOU DIANE, MOM, AND SCOTT & JILL! Can't wait to deliver the "goods" to the kiddos.
I love Bolivia more and more each day!
Sunday, July 4, 2010
HAPPY 4TH OF JULY!
Happy 4th of July! God bless the USA!
Things I miss about the good old US of A at this moment:
-fireworks stands on every corner
-family, friends, and doggies
-in n out dbl dbl extra cheese
-nonfat white mochas w/ whip
-an open breakfast joint on a sunday morning
-Pastor Dave's message
On a different note, I have had a great last couple of days. I have to say that my friend from college,Erik, who founded Sustainable Bolivia, is my hero for the weekend. He was able to make a call to someone who owned a pharmacy and then took me to pick up a prescription that is very similar to the one I take normally for my migraines. Now that he came with me, she told me I could come back on my own to get more (they didn't have many at the time) whenever I needed them. Thank you, Erik, I literally wouldn't have made it without you!!!
And, bonus, all my stomach and viral issues are GONE(knock on wood). Things are really looking up in that department!
Yesterday, 2 people from my house and I went on a guided tour of Incan ruins. There were 4 others on the tour, from the Netherlands and Finland. It was a great, but tiring day. The name of the place was Incallajta and I got some awesome pictures, but of course can't upload them!! In addition to the ruins, we saw a beautiful waterfall, some rivers, and various different animals. All of the sheep and cows on the way from Cochabamba were painted pink and some of the cows even had earrings on. It was hilarious. The guide explained that they just celebrated a day to honor their animals, and therefore "dressed them up." I am sure the animals loved it....On the way home, we went to a traditional indigenous village, which was tiny, centered around a beautiful plaza. We were supposed to go into a museum but it was closed. So, the tour guide backtracked and took us to another village, an old colonial village where he said 12 families lived. It looked like a ghost town-it was really crazy. We saw indigenous women and their kids washing their clothes in the river, and I of course fell in love with a stray dog (that I gave all my snacks to). On the drive there and home, we passed these hills where the clouds just engulfed them. It was amazing and beautiful at the same time. I also got some pictures of these humongous clouds that seemed to swallow up that part of the earth, but yet again, can't post them! After we got back into Cocha, we ate dinner and had drinks at a cafe called Copacabana. I really enjoyed my meal and the ambience!
Today is the 4th and since there are a handful of Americans between the houses, we are going to celebrate with hotdogs, hamburgers, fireworks, and adult refreshments! Hopefully our friends and housemates from all over the world will come as well!!!
Since I have this whole next week off, I am leaving Tuesday with 3 others to go to Salar de Uyuni (salt flats) and take a 4 day jeep tour. Between traveling time, etc., we won't be back until the following Monday so I won't have any mode of communication. I am really looking forward to seeing all that the tour has to offer: lagoons, hot springs, flamingos, all sortss of other animals, and of course the salt flats. We are even staying in a salt hotel! But, because it is located on the altiplano I am going to freeze my putska off...that part I am not looking forward to. It will be below freezing and I am guessing the salt hotel won't be very warm...
Well, the person that owns this laptop needs to use it so time for me to sign off.
Enjoy this Independence Day!
Love you MAMA!
KIM
Things I miss about the good old US of A at this moment:
-fireworks stands on every corner
-family, friends, and doggies
-in n out dbl dbl extra cheese
-nonfat white mochas w/ whip
-an open breakfast joint on a sunday morning
-Pastor Dave's message
On a different note, I have had a great last couple of days. I have to say that my friend from college,Erik, who founded Sustainable Bolivia, is my hero for the weekend. He was able to make a call to someone who owned a pharmacy and then took me to pick up a prescription that is very similar to the one I take normally for my migraines. Now that he came with me, she told me I could come back on my own to get more (they didn't have many at the time) whenever I needed them. Thank you, Erik, I literally wouldn't have made it without you!!!
And, bonus, all my stomach and viral issues are GONE(knock on wood). Things are really looking up in that department!
Yesterday, 2 people from my house and I went on a guided tour of Incan ruins. There were 4 others on the tour, from the Netherlands and Finland. It was a great, but tiring day. The name of the place was Incallajta and I got some awesome pictures, but of course can't upload them!! In addition to the ruins, we saw a beautiful waterfall, some rivers, and various different animals. All of the sheep and cows on the way from Cochabamba were painted pink and some of the cows even had earrings on. It was hilarious. The guide explained that they just celebrated a day to honor their animals, and therefore "dressed them up." I am sure the animals loved it....On the way home, we went to a traditional indigenous village, which was tiny, centered around a beautiful plaza. We were supposed to go into a museum but it was closed. So, the tour guide backtracked and took us to another village, an old colonial village where he said 12 families lived. It looked like a ghost town-it was really crazy. We saw indigenous women and their kids washing their clothes in the river, and I of course fell in love with a stray dog (that I gave all my snacks to). On the drive there and home, we passed these hills where the clouds just engulfed them. It was amazing and beautiful at the same time. I also got some pictures of these humongous clouds that seemed to swallow up that part of the earth, but yet again, can't post them! After we got back into Cocha, we ate dinner and had drinks at a cafe called Copacabana. I really enjoyed my meal and the ambience!
Today is the 4th and since there are a handful of Americans between the houses, we are going to celebrate with hotdogs, hamburgers, fireworks, and adult refreshments! Hopefully our friends and housemates from all over the world will come as well!!!
Since I have this whole next week off, I am leaving Tuesday with 3 others to go to Salar de Uyuni (salt flats) and take a 4 day jeep tour. Between traveling time, etc., we won't be back until the following Monday so I won't have any mode of communication. I am really looking forward to seeing all that the tour has to offer: lagoons, hot springs, flamingos, all sortss of other animals, and of course the salt flats. We are even staying in a salt hotel! But, because it is located on the altiplano I am going to freeze my putska off...that part I am not looking forward to. It will be below freezing and I am guessing the salt hotel won't be very warm...
Well, the person that owns this laptop needs to use it so time for me to sign off.
Enjoy this Independence Day!
Love you MAMA!
KIM
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