back to reality..sort of!

I am not quite sure how to pick back up w/ this thing since I have neglected my poor lil blog for the last few months. It's also 2am and I can't think straight, but I have been meaning to get on here for awhile and update, if for no one else ,than myself. It's kind of a nice release.

I don't know where I left off in my blogging, but the rest of my time in South America was amazing. I was able to travel through most of Bolivia and then into Peru. I climbed Macchu Pichu (sp?) and we hiked up at 3:30am so we could be in the first 400 people to score a ticket to Huaynu Pichu. Huaynu is the large mountain that overlooks the entire village of Macchu. It was a pretty strenuous hike (for me at least) and definitely not for those scared of heights!

I got all of my important stuff stolen in Cusco due to my own stupidity-I got too comfortable. My social security card, license, credit card, atm card and passport were all taken. Luckily, I was able to get to the embassy in Lima and just pick up my connection, which flew out of Lima anyway.

Once home, I left pretty quickly with a friend on a roadtrip to visit dad's grave in Iowa. I felt that I needed to do this before starting my life again. We went through 14 states, I think...and it was truly awesome. We camped at almost every place we stopped. I slept on floors, in the tent, at a rest stop and when it was a really luxurious night, a cheap motel. The trip was way more emotional for me than I had expected. We went and listened to the Mormon Tabernacle Choir practice while passing through Utah (after Zion) and I broke down in tears. It was frustrating and embarrassing to break down, but I think it was part of the whole process. I knew dad would have LOVED sitting there listening to such beautiful Christian music. I knew he'd of appreciated it even more than I did and that's all I could think of...that happened a lot on my trip. At Mt. Rushmore, I felt the same way. We went to an evening lighting ceremony that was extremely patriotic. My dad was Mr. USA-and-proud-of-it and I got that same familiar feeling back of thinking that he should have experienced what I did before he passed away. It was almost a feeling of guilt, which seems to be pretty common in the grieving process.

Once in Iowa, I got to see my dad's side of the family and had a really great breakfast w/ his brother, my Uncle Larry. A retired school counselor, he asked me just the right questions to get me thinking. What did I want out of my life? What were my goals? I honestly didn't know anymore. My marriage had fallen apart so I was no longer a wife, I left my job so I was no longer defined by my occupation, and my dad is gone and my identity is no longer "Coach's kid." I didn't know who I was anymore, and that was a scary realization. I was used to succeeding at everything and it felt as though I had failed--and dad wasn't here to solve my problems. That same day, I visited his grave. I took my journal, bought one red rose (for my mom) and 3 yellow flowers (for us kids)and being a Bowen (stubborn beyond belief) I wandered around looking for his plot. When we were there in December I was 1. out of it and 2. the whole place was covered in snow but I was already crying and didn't want to ask for help. The time I spent there was pacifying and necessary for me. I jotted down all my feelings and just had a "heart-to-heart" with my dad. I didn't realize it, but I had been in a fog for 9 months. Seeing his plot made it real-dad's no longer here on earth. I thought I already processed that, but I hadn't. Once I left the cemetary, I was able to visit my dad's mom, Grandma Bowen, who is 96 w/ Alzheimer's. She doesn't know me at all anymore, but it felt good to see her and give her a hug on my way out of town.

Our road trip continued as we made our way to Chicago, then up and back West through some very beautiful places. The sense of guilt I felt before was lifted, and instead I was quick to start making a list of short and long-term goals. After all, my dad would be the first to ask me where my life was going at this juncture. It was a great trip and I was lucky enough to have a road tripping buddy that was very receptive to talking about my dad and how I was feeling. I really appreciate that.

Once I got back, I couldn't delay "real life" any longer. I packed up the things Kyle and I agreed on and moved to San Diego. I must say, San Diego is a great place to start over. At 31 years old, I am living on my own for the first time in my life..something I should have done a long time ago but I have always been pretty needy of interaction. I've been here 2 weeks and it's been pretty hard at times to be alone, but so good for me. I can't play the helpless card-I have to do it myself. I have really put myself out there meeting new people and have already made some friends. Lola, my basset hound, and I go for at least one long walk a day and we always meet people and their doggies. This week, the dreaded job search begins.

Not everyone may agree with my choice to move down here or be gone for so long. I realize that people think I was running away, and maybe I was-but it's all been part of a journey that I needed to take to figure out who I am as a person-not who I am in regards to my career, who I am related to, or what I have achieved. I've been so fortunate to have these months of soul searching. Today is 10 months since dad has passed away. I hate that more and more time passes. I don't know how to explain it. I don't want to forget a thing and I want him to be here...but if he can't, then I want it to be "just yesterday." So, not totally where I need to be yet but am well on my way.

Thank you all for loving me for me. I realize more than ever how flawed I am and it feels good to know you accept me for who I am, flaws and all.

To a new chapter in life!
Kim

p.s. I am currently sleeping on a loveseat that I have to fight Lola for every night, but once I get a bed, I would LOVE guests! The area I live in is so great!