Frustrated and confused, but hopeful!

It's now been over a month that I have lived in San Diego and as BEAUTIFUL and WONDERFUL as this city is, it's not been easy for me. I think I have said this before, but I have always lived with someone else, whether it be family, a roommate, a boyfriend, or a husband...so being a people person, it's been a really hard adjustment. I know it's a good one, seeing as though I am 31 and have never lived alone before. Kind of sad and embarassing, but at least I am doing it now I guess. Traveling was a lot less lonely, because most everyone, with the exception of a few couples, were on their own and ultimately had their own agenda. We still lived together, in the Casa Sucre house (how I miss that place!), or in hostels, but ultimately we all had different paths. It was nice to interact with people for a night or a few months and meet new people all the time. This has been harder for me- I'm bored. Once I actually get a job (hopefully very soon) I think things will look up in regards to my mood. I was able to go home for over a week and it was so nice to spend time with my mom and see Sophia (my doggie that my mom has "adopted"). She is so spoiled and what was once a timid, previously abused pitbull surrounded by other dogs-Kyle and I never had just her-is now the queen of the house and much more confident. It's awesome. She's been really good for my mom, and of course my mom has been more than great to her. Sophie was always my favorite because she is the sweetest thing in the whole world, but no one would take her in San Diego because of her breed. Funny and ironic, because Lola the basset, was readily accepted by rental companies yet she's a pain in the putska.

I have done a lot of reading, thinking, and catching up on celebrity gossip in my free time....which is most of my time right now. Completely different from my life a year ago. It's so weird. I know that I am learning things about myself that I should have learned 10 years ago but I can't help but wonder if I really went off the deep end when my dad died. I completely ditched my "old life" and started the journey that has brought me here, after months of travel. I am a firm believer in the old saying that "everything happens for a reason" so I am going to trust that I didn't make a mistake in making all of those changes (career, marital status, traveling, moving 7 hours away, priorities).

I'd really like to travel again after my lease is up here but not sure I know how to make that happen. South Africa, India, Colombia, and Switzerland are on my list. I have friends in Colombia and Switzerland and would love to volunteer in South Africa and India. Why can't people make a career out of volunteering? I'd hop on it. We'll see what happens but my experience in Bolivia affected (or is it effected??) me so deeply I have a burning desire to do more volunteer work in impoverished countries.

Tomorrow will be 11 months since my dad passed away. I think about him all the time but have been processing my grief "process" (if that makes sense) recently. As much as I denied that I was running away when I went to S. America, I was. I had great intentions for going, but did not have to fully stare my grief in the eyes until I got back. It hit me like a ton of bricks on our cross country road trip and culminated in visiting his grave. I am COMPLETELY dreading the holiday season. I have no desire to celebrate. I know my brother and sister do, though, because they have kids and therefore I will be there with a smile on my face. Not only is this our first year without my dad, but Thanksgiving has been rough for our family for the past 3 years. We found out 3 years ago, on Thanksgiving, that he would be going to Stanford's hospital the following day because he had leukemia. The next year was good, but last year, my mom rushed him to the emergency room in the early hours of Thanksgiving morning (which was the beginning of the end). Christmas is more of the same-3 years ago we "celebrated" at Stanford in dad's hospital room, the year after was actually my most favorite Christmas ever, and the last one we had as a complete family, celebrating at Kyle's and my house, and last year he was gone. He passed away December 10th and we chose to fly on Christmas Day to Iowa for his burial of ashes because none of us wanted anything to do with the holiday.

I've always considered myself such a strong person and it bothers me that his death has clearly affected (effected??) me so much. Why can't I pick up the pieces and move on. I guess I am, in my own way. His passing has completely changed our family dynamics and each of us are dealing with the pain the best we know how-but we all do it in completely different ways. We have more animosity towards each other than we have ever had before when you'd think we'd be closer than ever. I miss my family "the way it was."

What comes along with getting older sucks. But....I am very blessed and am (very) slowly starting to adjust to life on my own. San Diego, specifically Hillcrest, is AMAZING. I love it here. I can even bring Lola into 7-11 and they will give her a hotdog. I can walk everywhere. The people are friendly. The gay guys are so cute (unfortunately they don't swing my way). I have good friends down here, I just don't see them as much as I'd selfishly like. Cross your fingers I get a job, soon, to occupy my time and allow me to pay my bills!